He’s not reassuring me in the way I’d hoped What should I do

He’s not reassuring me in the way I’d hoped! What should I do?

Question – (13 August 2018) 5 Answers – (Newest, 15 August 2018)
A
female
United Kingdom
age

26-29,

anonymous

writes:

Please bear with me, this is a long one. I met a guy six months or so ago and the chemistry and attraction was completely instant. I’ve never felt like this before ever. We currently have a long distance relationship where he lives 270 miles away so we see each other every two weeks or so. He is older than me (33, im 29) I have a two year old and came out of a long term relationship about a year and a half ago. My current partner told me he had a relationship last year but ended it because it couldn’t help him forget his past. He also told me early on that he was in a 10 year relationship on an off with someone but in hindsight there was no connection, it was purely lust. His living arrangement is that he lived with 4 other guy friends. He tells me he has never been on holiday with a girlfriend nor has he done the other usual stuff like share a bottle of wine and chat, delve into feelings etc etc.Early into the relationship, I had some issues with my child’s father. He’s not being particularly amicable so I had a lot of court issues to deal with. My new partner was understanding and obviously I was very aware of the amount of pressure he was under. On top of this, we were travelling a distance to see each other. There were other factors to deal with: I earnt more so paid for more when we met up as the travel was quite expensive for him, I liquidated my business and wanted to put my house on the market, we’ve had a couple of medical issues. It feels like a lot has happened over the past six months. We agreed that in order for the relationship to progress he would move closer to me and he handed his notice in a few months ago. His lease also ended on his house a bit earlier than expected so he’s been busy moving things and looking for a new job. During this process,, I helped him with his CV and noticed he’d missed his university degree off. I confronted him and he told me it was formatting. When I asked him again a few weeks later he told me that he’d never completed uni and got a 2:1 so he’d lied out of embarrassment. I told him I didn’t like lies and he told me he knew he’d made his own bed and he’d make it up to me. There are other small, unusual things too. He likes to say he will do stuff but he doesn’t follow up. He took me jewellery shopping around my birthday and suggested he was buying it. He didn’t. He asked whether he could buy me a dress when he came to visit. It was never mentioned again.A few weeks ago, we went to Sorrento for a friend’s wedding. I paid for the flights for him on the basis he would pay back. There was also a scenario where I sent him some money to withdraw for me and despite me asking for it back, he wasn’t forthcoming in giving me the money back. While we were in Sorrento, Id planned a meal at a nice restaurant to celebrate finally having some peace and quiet and our ‘six month anniversary’. When the bill came he didn’t even offer to split it. The next day, I approached him and told him that I was disappointed because it’s costing me a lot. I understood his financial situation but at least tell me that you’re aware and that you will pay it back. When we returned, it felt too much and I told him I didn’t feel he was mature and accountable. He told me he would learn and asked if I could help. I told him I wasn’t there to parent him. I broke up with him implicitly and we spoke on the phone a couple of days later and agreed to give it a go. He told me that he would make me feel considered and he really wanted us to work. A few days went by and it was great. The fourth day, he started acting off with me but told me he was busy moving so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was a lot less affectionate towards me and he’d do things like agree to speak on the phone to say goodnight but then say he fell asleep the next day. I travelled to see him as planned on the Friday and we have been together since. I have helped him move some stuff around. During the move, I noticed a parcel he had wrapped up for his room since I’d known him. I asked him what it was and he responded unusually. It made me suspicious. He told me it was a frame and that he would probably throw it away. He then said it was a present from his dad and he didn’t want to open it. I could sense he was lying so I begged him not too. He eventually told me it was a picture he had made for his ex partner (broke up years ago) last year but decided it was stupid and never gave it too her. I asked why he still had it when he had the opportunity to throw it away with the move. He told me he didn’t know and he didn’t expect me to react like this as it meant nothing. Still playing on my mind, I asked him again and asked him whether he was planning on giving it too her and he said no. It was a reminder of someone he used too be but didn’t want to be again. I told him it made me feel a bit insecure and he’s not been particularly forthcoming with apology. Yesterday we had a long chat and he said he was worried that I would break up with him again if something doesn’t sit right with me. He told he had thought about it and he’d spoken to his friends and realised he was quite selfish as a person as he’s never had to change his life or aspect of himself for anyone before. He told me he was worried we’d met at the wrong time (something I’d said to him). He then told me he wanted to be with me but it will take time to rebuild as I broke up with him. I’ve obviously been doubting how he feels towards me because he’s not been proactive in reassuring me. I’ve told him it hurt me and I feel emotional and ‘needy’ but he doesn’t like to talk abot it in depth and he was ask off of his own back.I’m not really sure what’s going on.


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A

female

reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2018):I’m not going to write a big paragraph but ten years on and off relationship based on lust? Lust is not a long term feeling, was his last girlfriend to help him get over the lust one? Who was the wrapped up picture for the ten year no connection girlfriend?

You admit your relationship with him is based on physical attraction, I have to wonder if this man can’t do real deep relationships and goes through life having relationships with women based on physical attraction because again you admit he says he doesn’t do the usual proper boyfriend/ girlfriend things.

He doesn’t buy you things when he said he would and takes your money and hospitality because he knows that he can, I’m sorry I see no real feelings here on his side and I sense bullshit.

It ended up being a longer response but you wrote in for a reason and clearly you’re an intelligent woman, trust your gut, it’s screaming at you.

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A

female

reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018):Ps he also does have a job, just not as well paid but it’s still fairly decent.

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A

female

reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018):Thanks for your reply. I do have a job, in fact I earn considerably more than him.
You’re right though, it is a bit soap opera.

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A
male

reader, WiseOwlE United States  , writes (14 August 2018):
I took the time to read your post. Sorry, but only one word kept flashing and going-off in my mind. “LOSER!”

How could you expect anyone to pay for anything who doesn’t have a job? You are a working single-mom; so why are you traveling to see a guy 270 miles away…with no job? Six-months in; and it all sounds like a tired-ass soap opera. All your take on it is, you don’t like him lying to you?!!

He’s broke! Yes his lease ended sooner than expected; because he was probably evicted! He’s hoping you’ll move him in.

This is an awfully-long story for such a short-relationship! You wisely broke-up with him; then decided to give it another go???

What?!!

What is wrong with you? Seriously?!!

He’s broke, going nowhere, homeless, lies, and one would think you’re describing a six-year relationship. Not only six-months.

Kick his broke loser-ass to the curb; and keep your hard-earned money for yourself and your kid. How can you call him a man; while you’re doling-out all your money on dates and trips? Why did you go jewelry shopping with an unemployed man? How can he buy you a dress with no money?

You’re not sure what’s really going on? Open your eyes! This is only 6 months old! Look at all the drama already!

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A

reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2018):Why are you with him ? Youve listed more cons than pros about why it wont work. He sounds like he likes you but you both are not a fit. He realizes this too as hes holding onto a gift for an ex. If you the only person paying and moving the relationship along, sounds exhausting ! Sweetie, look…men dont want a woman who pampers and pays for them and it sounds like you offer to pay all this for him expecting him pay you back. Men want girls who flirt, laugh, are fun, lean back etc amd never even have to spend a dime. Hes not the guy for you. Just leave before you expend all your money, time, and energy.

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